letter to my love

Dear  Love,

We’re not teenagers anymore

People grow up and

fucking change

there shouldn’t be pressure

to stay the same, when deep

down you know you can’t.

I’ve given every fucking thing

I could-

I know its not enough,

it may never be enough

for you.

I would  never hold you back

but why do I feel like

you’re doing that to me?

maybe you should

read my work before

fucking judging me.

Yours truly,

the pissed off lover



I Went Out Today!

With actually people, friends actually, that I’ve  known since highschool.

When I moved,7 years ago, I lost all my friends; It didnt happen right away or all at once, but overtime we stopped talking to each other. Part me, I  became a recluse, more of a loner and part them; I wasnt around anymore, why should they keep it touch. I tried, and for a while it worked, keeping in touch. We messaged back and forth, facebook, but that too ended.

If it wasnt for the efforts of my friend L,I probably  wouldn’t  have seen either one of them today.

L hit me up before I came to NY saying she wanted to see me, of course I was excited-

1)I hadn’t  seen her in years
2)I hadnt gone out in years
3) I can talk with friends face
to face!
4) Another friend,In, was going to be joining us.
5) because why the fuck not.

The original plans were for Saturday, but my mood came over  me and I didnt want to go anywhere ( I felt bad but I REALLY didnt want to go)so I cancelled and pushed  it for today.

L said there was this cool brunch spot up in White Plains, so brunch it was. The whole drive there ( oh I didn’t  mention I had to drag the boyfriend along because I dont drive?) I was nervous as shit. I dont know why Ive known this girls for years, we use to skip school together and smoke. We were cool and yet because I hadnt seen them in ages besides stalking on facebook, I was scared howd they think of me. I wanted to throw up and cancel again, but I couldnt.

I’m  glad I didn’t. 

The place was really nice and thankfully not crowded! They were already there when we arrived (we had got lost walking because of my directions,ha.)so I quietly screamed hello gave my hugs and sat down.

It was great catching up, unfortunately, I found out my one friend In has stage 4 melanoma and it spread to her bones. I didnt want to make her uncomfortable, especially that she had surgery 2 weeks ago (removed a foot long tumor) so I didnt stay on the topic long, trying to make the time fun and light. But I felt horrible, I wouldnt show it but I did. Fucking cancer sucks, I dont even want to write  about it because it just makes me sad and cry.

The rest of the time went by great,  they always got along with Lex; they were around when I first started going out with him, so we were all able to joke around and have fun.

In had to leave early because she started  to feel unwell, so me,lex and L stayed for a little while longer making plans for the week to go out and drink. Well mostly them since I dont drink-Ls planning on getting me drunk on Wednesday.

I didnt know how much I missed them or  people in general until today.I hope well be able to stay but who knows, I’ll  be trying for sure.


I’m an Organized Mess.

I find calm in the chaos.



Ever since I was little I always found myself in messy situations ( you should have seen my room). Over the years, I’ve become more adapted and have become one with the chaos. No seriously,¬† I’m¬† like a fucking monk when it comes to crazyness. I think because my brain is all over the place most of the times, that when everything around me is like that-its normal.

I can think clearly, even if sometimes a thousand people are talking at once.

I can’t¬† be so chaotic and messy anymore because now someone else is occupying my space or I his; and he happens to be a neatfreak and borderline OCD.

Hes the cleaner of the household, I clean,but he CLEANS. If he get it into his head, holy shit,clear your schedule because he cant/wont stop till whatever got into that heads of his is clean.

I,on the other hand,”meh, its not that messy” while staring into piles of clothes,a ton of books,a cat on a comforter, one shoe in the middle of the floor, the other…whoops.

Trust me when I say we are always getting into arguments about my lack of organization and his over need for it; with my final response always being ” but I like it babe,plus I know where everything this!” *initiate¬† foot slam *

Exhibit A: freezer is a fucking desaster, food packages everywhere,a complete disarray.
This was the most recent moment; also the same time he figured out I was a fucking G and could find anything!

Me: “babe make us cookies, they are the freezer”
Lex:*scouvering through the freezer*
Lex:” wtf, theres no cookies in here”
Me:”ugh, move” *moves a box and voila*
Lex:” fuuuck you, that aint even right.”

Literally happened like that, he was soo fucking amazed. It was kinda cute, that my organized,neat boyfriend finally was able to see my power in action. *muahahaha*

Just because it doesn’t¬† work for you¬† or in the case of the lover, are incapable, dont judge, it works for me. I dont go around judging people or Lex, well Lex a little and only in my head,most times.

¬†¬†¬†¬†¬† “Babe, put it down! Step away,that doesnt need to be cleaned,you weirdo!

At least you dont have to pry things out of my hands and talk me into sitting down. But no judging, and I only say it like that because I wont I really dont judge him, that is who he is and I accept that BUT sometimes I can be mean and use it against him.

Anyways I’m  pretty sure I wont hear too much bitching from now on.

You Always Argue Both Sides

Something that I was extremely pleased to hear from the boyfriend. It only took him a decade, numerous “why dont you ever take my side” and¬† infinite arguments.

It’s¬† not that I dont want to take his side, as he puts it “i got his back,his partner” but a)i LOVE arguing with him and not in the sense of “why don’t you ever wash the dishes!” But more actual debates¬† b)I just think the way he thinks sometimes¬† is wrong,okay fine different and c) I have a little habit of trying to persuade people to my side.

He used to think that I was just indecisive, and yes I am sometimes (dont ask me what I want to eat if you wanna eat in this century )but hes finally come to realize that I just argue both sides.

I’m very objective.¬†

Lex: “would you ever so and so.”
Me: well I could definitely see why so and so would be plausible but I also see the downside.”

Uhm..I am an expert at this.

I did decide to persue a degree in journalism beacuse of this skill;that has only been honed throughout  the years.

I like looking at all angles before making a decision,whereas the boyfriends only side is his. I totally get  it, people have opinions and perspectives and you are entitled  to them but are they always right,no.

We we’re driving and he was telling me a story about work,and as I sat there wondering why he wasnt asking my opinion he remarked “i aint even gonna ask you,you’re¬† just gonna argue¬† both sides”

I fell in love with him all over again.

He meant it as a slight jab, but I loved it; he truly understood me.

He knows I’ll¬† always argue both sides  making things much more complicated,but its okay.

Ha! I knew you loved my annoying ways.

Get Off of Me.

I remember being young,maybe 5 or 6; I was visiting cousins. One was my age,while the other was a few years older. Both females,so it was easier for us to get along.

There was this matress on the floor,a twin size one. I was some how talked into getting on the matress and have it folded in half on me,with them on top holding me in.

I crawled my little body onto the matress and waited. They folded it,then promptly sat on top,giggling.

I couldn’t  breathe, I was getting squashed. I started to panic, I needed to get out. I was screaming and crying and kicking trying to get free,while I felt the pressure the whole time.

What felt like 15 minutes in hell was finally over when my mother heard,came barging into the room,uncovered me and yelled at my cousins.

Fast forward 20 years and I won’t go in tight spaces. Even looking at them gives me the creeps. I tell lex if something bad were to happen and we needed to crawl/go through a tiny area,leave me. I’m  not going to make it,I’ll  just hyperventilate and kill us both. Save yourself Lex!

When Lex and I play wrestle and he gains the upper hand,playfully holding my hands down and knees by the head. FREAK.

I loose it.

Me: *calmly* “please get off of me”

Lex: “aww,whats the matter”

Me:”DUDE! You need to get off now” *starting to hyperventilate and freak*

Lex: “calm down,im not hurting you”

Me:*tears and panic* “GET THE FUCK OFF, NOW!”

Then I proceed to buckle under him and push him off; pull my knees up to my chest and grill the shit out of him. He likes doing it on purpose  “you just get soo upset”. How about not being a douche. Douche.

I’m  sorry that I just like breathing. And may or may not freak when being overwhelmed,or stuck in a tight spot. I can’t  help it,you think I wanna,huh? I’m  good on elevators,as long as I’m  in the corner and we’re not going that high up. (Think thats just my fear of having the elevator plummet  to its death )

Just dont ask me to crawl under the house.

Confession 1; Self-Medicate : The Train to Numbville

All Aboard- the worlds longest train.

Come,welcome,let the conductor and long time member show you around the haze train.

I’ve been a member since 2003,when one summer night I experimented with what would become my apart of me , far longer than expected.

I didn’t want to show you around,once I open up there is no going back. If I bring you on this confession adventure you’ll know the truth about me,well part of it. Lately, the words have been bubbling up behind my lips,fingers pressed against keys,never really saying the words. Dont judge me, everyone always does.




How anticlimatic. Thought it would be more of a shocker. Writing it now just seems soo melodramatic. 

Recently I’ve come to realize how¬† my medicinal habit is just covering up my real problems. I never really gave much thought to it.


It gave me the escape I needed.

The numbing I craved.

The first time I smoked I was on vacation with my cousins, I can’t say they talked me into it (trust me ive been talked into some really stupid shit),but I was convinced.

Whoever said you dont get high the first time is a liar.  Or it could  have been the amount we smoked- I was fucking stoned. High off my ass and I loved it. The feeling was intoxicating,nothing I had ever felt before.

There was a calmness.

Returning home, I had to share this new,wonderufl information with my friends (I’ve also been known to be a bad influence)and we started smoking. My mother and step father smoke, so it was only a matter of time before I did. Did I even have a chance? I Started stealing weed from them;until I made my own connections.

If smoking at 13 wasnt bad enough, lets add sexual behavior to the list. Ahh the things I did when high. I regret some. I won’t¬† say all because without it I wouldn’t¬† have had amazing memories-well the ones I remember.

I’ve drank. I don’t¬† drink anymore, haven’t in a few years but I once did. Early teenagers years was filled with drugs and liquor and plenty of attitude. Lots of it. I don’t¬† know what i was searching for, but a part of it was a needing. I needed to be liked and wanted. So I took pills,smoked blunts and chugged out of pints.

Fall of 2004, I was hospitalized for alcohol poisoning. I chugged a mixture if 12 different liquors and washed it down with beer. I don’t remember all of that day.

I remember drinking from the bottle with an ex and some friends.

I rememeber mumbling to my friend,which turned out to be a garbage can- I recognized  that somehow in my wasted state and started walking.

I remember some guy waking me up from my passed out state in the grass, me mumbling something.

I remember entering a building (which turned out to be a friends job)passed out. I heard voices talking. Then I heard my mother.

Next thing you know I’m waking up hooked up to an IV,chalk coal over my mouth and still drunk.

I was drinking a week later,despite almost dying. Every weekend. Hard. I eventually decided to just stick with weed and gave up everything else.

Weed gave me the same thing liquor did without all the horrible side effects. I wasnt the stoner who just sat around all day and did nothing. I was out on a grand adventure and emotions weren’t involved.¬†

With weed I didnt need to feel anything. No aniexty, no sadness, no pain. Nothing. It was what I’ve been looking for. Soo smoke I did. If I had a dollar for the amount of times I came stumbling home, blood shot eyes¬† and a smile on my face I would at least have 150 dollars.

Sorry mom,oh and grandma.

I was a horrible teenager. Thankfully at 15 I got a serious boyfriend,who liked to smoke! What more can a girl ask for?

Fun fact: I’m super secretive; I’m¬† a loner, I’ve¬† had friends¬† but they werent real. And now I have no friends expect mj.

Ive come to realized I’ve never really faced any of my issues.

Fun fact: I hate emotions.¬† I don’t like talking about them or feeling them or displaying them.

I just smoke.

For fucks sake I’m¬† going to be 26! And I have the intimacy level of a 5 year old,sometimes. Eww you wanna hold my hand. Gross.

Or like the boyfriend says “cold hearted bitch, you have no feelings” I do have feelings, wayy down under, like soo deep you need a chisel and tweezers.

So what if my motto is ” I don’t care.”

At least the weed understands, it doesnt pressure me into talking about  feeeeelings. It leaves me in peace,letting me enjoy the hazy ride and the escape of my shitty life.

I figured me writing it is me facing my issues and for now thats good enough. Will I eventually quit? I mean if I want a good job I have to. Will I enjoy it? No but thats life. Ill probably take up drinking again.

Last fun fact: I get addicted easily.

So for now, the ride continues. I’ll¬† think about opening up emotionally more (gag)but it kinda feels too good plus I’m¬† just not ready to let go.