emotional mess

she picked apart

her emotions trying

to figure out which

ones were the cause

of all her problems

-Jas©

 

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Is it Over Yet?

When will this semester end,  it has been nothinggg but a pulling of the teeth,headaches,nausea,depression,anxiety,anger,stress,and shit breaking.

4 more days. 4 long days.

All day Sunday I was busy watching videos on coding (real simple stuff) and it was okayy for the first hour,  which then turned into fucking four. I was done. Mentally, physically-sitting in a horrible position taking notes, not such a smart idea. By the time that was all over I didnt want to do shit. But seeing this is the only class I’m  passing might as well put some effort  into it.

Coding. Fuck coding.

I’m  kidding, if I had more time I probably would have enjoyed it more. But given a four hour deadline left me with little interest or desire.

I was coding. It was going well.

” omg, look babee I madee thatt and it does thisss!”

I felt like a fucking genius.

In my major and minor I’m  used to doing well, they invovle writing,the only thing my professors think im semi good at.

So when I’m taking a class outside  of my comfort zone and do good well its a special kind of feeling. Elation. I actually feel good about myself for a moment.

But all moments end and codes cant be solved. No matter how hard you try;goggling every phrase possible, rewatching videos, hitting the help button,some things are fucking assholes.

Forever,one little code wouldn’t work. Tried everything in the capable to make it work but nope. I was over it. Didnt care. Have an A in the class and a final exam still to take.  So I sent it in. Whatever points I get, doesnt weigh a lot,I get.

That was the first fuck you.

Woke up today sooo fucking down knowing that I had a paper due for a class I’m failing. I looked at it,started writing it and my I,K and comma buttons didnt work.

What.the.fuck.

This was a problem but not that big of a deal, will eventually worked.

This time…no. I’m already pissy and not in the mood to do ANYTHING and now my computer  wants to mess with me.

Long story short. Fuck my life. Fuck that paper that wasnt turned in and fuck my computer.

I’m just really done with this semester.

I want to crawl under a rock and come back out in January  when  the new semester starts. (Yay).

Rant over.

P.s pretty sure a record for fucks given 😜

Sleep: My Friend Turned Enemy

As of late, my sleeping pattern is a little crazy. At night, I can’t seem to shut my brain down and actually fall asleep;instead, binge watching netflix till my eyes hurt then lay in the dark and wait for sleep to come.

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I eventually fall out, only to be woken up at 330 (AM)when Lex is getting ready for work. He  works 3-4 days a week, which means I’m  not just sleeping through the night; I’m sleeping an hour waking up till about 5 sometimes 6, going back to bed and waking up at 9ish.

I tired.

All day.

I have no energy or desire to do anything else but crawl out of bed onto the couch and wrap myself in a blanket all day.

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During this time of season I do get like this (plus worse) but still  its a little early for this shit.

I just want to sleep normally.

Finals are coming up, well actually have two of them due this weeend. Did I start? Nope. And its making me realllly stressed. While the other parts like fuckk it you failed  this semester anyways genius.

I cant even say the at night I think about my classes, its just I actually get an energy  boost right before bed ( just my luck) and then a million in five things run through my mind : what are we eating tomorrow, today was so boring,  that show was awesome, you’re  going home soon,  lets stay up forever.

I’ve  always had an active imagination that didnt know when to shut the fuck up so falling asleep has always been an issue.

Lex closes his eyes and .5 seconds later hes in REM. Knocked out in the best feeling ever, while I’m  staring at him with hate and jealousy. Seriosuly, do people just like fall asleep like that? Must be an amazing feeling.

Instead I’m  like a child. Lay in bed before the actual  time and cross fingers it works.

When I was a teenager, to aid this problem I would just smoke before bed. And it worked, able to fall alseep within the hour.

It worked  up until a week in a half ago. Not sure what changed, maybe the blogging is getting to me but now I cant fall sleep.

I smoke by myself when Lex is sleeping, huddle under the blankets, that 70s show on, waiting for it to kick in, c’mon MJ help a girl out.

I think I’m  going to start taking sleeping pills. .I did twice. Once was with a Tylenol PM and it kept me up rather than out me to sleep, so that was a no go. And then I bought a bottle of Unisom and yeahh. Maybe I should take more than 1.

I’m hoping that in the next couple of weeks things will get back to normal because if not fuck it imma just stay awake.

Let the hallucinations  begin!