hate this

I don’t know how

to tell you I don’t want to

be here anymore; I cant

live with your parents its

just making me depressed.

-Jas©

---

no offense to them but just cant doo it anymore  soo noisy , too many people come and goo and his mother will be on my shit FOREVER(I’m a loner and a private person  I don’t need to be babied which she will do and trys to already) and I will snap and not regret it. Just the thought of having to live here with a baby makes me wanna cry

I’m the worst pseudo daughter in the law .not my fault they can be really annoying and too family circle for me .. I’m a fucking adult my own mother didn’t even fucking baby me ..(partly because I’m a pain but still I respect her for that ) oh how I wish I could just goo home and see her. .. 2 months is too long.

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Home, Where Are You?

I can’t wait to go home.

I know how horrible it sounds  but I can’t  fucking think straight. Theres barely anytime to write. Before you say make time to write  or let the inspiration just come to you-no shit dick.

In the basement, there is no service and what little service won’t work with my computer. And I hate posting from my phone. So I have been scheduling my posts- which is driving me fucking crazy,  for some reason. I find little,tiny moments of peace and clarity, creating as many posts as possible. (I cant miss a day)

I need quiet. I need to write; even with all these mixed emotions and pointless words.  I need to be able to smoke,fuck,and chill where I want.I’ve  been zoning out, giving attitude and extremly withdrawn. And I dont want to be that person, but I cant help it. I’m an introvert that gets fucking overloaded-especially in this house hold and need to crawl into the closet to chill.

I leave Friday morning,counting down the days. I’m  going to say this for the 100th thousandth  time though and say imma be depressed as shit when I get back. What can I say I love begging for this shit.

We are going  out tonight, which is cool- I can finally see Star Wars. But, even when out I continue to see words…really should start carrying around a little book.

Ah one of the many problems of my life. 😝

-J.Rose

Let The Water Take Me

Water bubbles up around me

As I sink,

Eyes closed,

Desperate.

My breaths drawn in,

Lungs hurting.

I want the calmness,

The darkness.

Its close;

 I can taste it,

A gently caress,

Almost near.

 I can feel it.

Resistance.

Jerked movements.

A need to breathe.

Breaking the water,

Air filling my lungs,

A realization.

It was going to take

More than a tub of water.

-J.Rose©

The Quiet Girl

 

The quiet girl sits alone in the corner,

Observing.

No one notices her,

She doesn’t say a thing.

She watches as everyone passes her by,

Stepping around her,

Not speaking.

She does not exist.

The quiet girl is lonely,

She’s looking for someone to talk to,

Reaching out a hand,

But no one reaches back.

The quiet girl is now standing.

Standing, on the edge.

Overlooking the city that abandoned her.

The people who didn’t see her.

She knows she shouldn’t,

But she can’t help it.

The feelings,

The abandonment.

They will see her now,

As the quiet girl steps off the edge.

-J.Rose©

Happy “You’re Not a Father” Day!

Lex usually gets that text every month.

Its a special moment in both our lives, we have failed our duties as humans by not procreating but we have also sucessed by not procreating. Such a confusing time. Am I happy ,am I sad,who knows besides the pain.

Seriously? Cant I just get an email like

Dear J,

Remember this week when you saw that cute little dog on Tv and you started crying? Oh, ohh how about you wanting to rip your mother in laws face off with your bare handss. Or writing that creepy no friends blog…

Well its me!

Mahahah

Got you bitch, you’re  not pregnant.

Enjoy the weekend.

See? Thats something I can forward to the boyfriend.

We can laugh about it and then go for lunch.

Instead you get depressed, angry,pyscho, needy Jas for the win!

Is it too early to drown myself in icecream?

Is it Over Yet?

When will this semester end,  it has been nothinggg but a pulling of the teeth,headaches,nausea,depression,anxiety,anger,stress,and shit breaking.

4 more days. 4 long days.

All day Sunday I was busy watching videos on coding (real simple stuff) and it was okayy for the first hour,  which then turned into fucking four. I was done. Mentally, physically-sitting in a horrible position taking notes, not such a smart idea. By the time that was all over I didnt want to do shit. But seeing this is the only class I’m  passing might as well put some effort  into it.

Coding. Fuck coding.

I’m  kidding, if I had more time I probably would have enjoyed it more. But given a four hour deadline left me with little interest or desire.

I was coding. It was going well.

” omg, look babee I madee thatt and it does thisss!”

I felt like a fucking genius.

In my major and minor I’m  used to doing well, they invovle writing,the only thing my professors think im semi good at.

So when I’m taking a class outside  of my comfort zone and do good well its a special kind of feeling. Elation. I actually feel good about myself for a moment.

But all moments end and codes cant be solved. No matter how hard you try;goggling every phrase possible, rewatching videos, hitting the help button,some things are fucking assholes.

Forever,one little code wouldn’t work. Tried everything in the capable to make it work but nope. I was over it. Didnt care. Have an A in the class and a final exam still to take.  So I sent it in. Whatever points I get, doesnt weigh a lot,I get.

That was the first fuck you.

Woke up today sooo fucking down knowing that I had a paper due for a class I’m failing. I looked at it,started writing it and my I,K and comma buttons didnt work.

What.the.fuck.

This was a problem but not that big of a deal, will eventually worked.

This time…no. I’m already pissy and not in the mood to do ANYTHING and now my computer  wants to mess with me.

Long story short. Fuck my life. Fuck that paper that wasnt turned in and fuck my computer.

I’m just really done with this semester.

I want to crawl under a rock and come back out in January  when  the new semester starts. (Yay).

Rant over.

P.s pretty sure a record for fucks given 😜

Mood: Death’s Hand

“I held death’s hand this evening
Closed my eyes now I’m dreaming
I promise I won’t leave here
Don’t let me die I’m fucking screaming”

The Amity Affliction is 1 of my favvvvvorite bands. So happy I was able to see them twice live! This song is from their current album Let The Ocean Take Me. Aaaamazing.

Everytime I get down I blast this bad boy.

Enjoy!

P.s this is my 200 post!