Dear Dad,

Whoever you are,I haven’t  seen you in almost 23 years.

I was once asked if I would ever track you down,or even if I wanted to meet you; Lex knows how I feel about you but he still had to ask.

I thought it would have be easier, you’ve  done nothing for me, but instead a lump formed in my throat  and my heart broke a little when i said fuck no.

Why would I?

I can’t  even remember your face,let alone voice.

I do remember  the last we spoke- I don’t  remember  the words you spoke but I know I hung up on you and never spoke to you again.

I won’t admit that I think about you from time to time; I remember the mural by what I assume was your home,do you still live there?

Or if you had another family,do I have half siblings out there somewhere?

I’d never admit that jealousy was my best friend during my younger years;seeing fathers with their children, enjoying themselves- I told myself over and over that it didnt matter, it was okay.

I used to ask mother about you but she must have hated you as much as I did because I never got a straight answer, only ever saying your name once.

What did you do?

Why did you give up so easily?

Its fucking hard to admit that I did need you. I hate myself for it and I hate you. You gave up.

Writing this, shit, I never thought I would; I dont even know why I am- you’ll  never see it,is making me feel slightly better.

For years I acted out recklessly, craving an attention I would never get, even know,destroying everything in my path;putting relationships at risk. 

But I’m finally starting to realize it wasn’t in my control, I don’t  know what you did and I dont care. I don’t  say that I forgive you because I don’t think I can(you’ll go back into the forget box until someone asks me about you)but I understand, you did what you had to do.

I do thank you for not being there since I am the person I am today without you. I may not like myself all the time and have some issues but I wouldn’t trade it for a single day with you.

Your scorned daughter,

One Year

Its been a year. A whole year.

I can’t believe you did it.

When I see a fast car or something that reminds me of you I wonder why?

I know people arent what they seem; demons hide in the dark feeding off the loneliness and troubles.

People drift away, but it doesnt mean they stop caring.

We had seen eachother on and off, more often off, leading up to the date.

We all were growing up, had our lives to live. But we had forgotten you, not on purpose. We didnt call, we didnt visit. We just assumed everything was fine. That was a mistake.

I still remember  waking up November 28 2014 and having my boyfriend tell me that you died.

You killed yourself.

It was surreal. Youu, out of all people, you did it. I was in shock, surprised.

I didn’t  believe him at first until the story came out. You were  gone. One of the funniest,craziest men I will ever know.

I’m  not judging  you, I understand.

I’m  just sorry that you couldnt get the peace you wanted here.

Miss you old friend.

Word of the Day- Hygge


well this is a puuuurrrfect word for today. ITS THANKSGIVING and I’m thankful for not having to spend it with mine or lex’s families. Its one of the little traditions I’ve started. We eat, just us. Its worked out well for the last 4 years.  His mother would actually make the food  for us( not my choice) but now that we have our own space, it our very own first thanksgiving and were tasked with cooking a turkey. ( thanks google)

I guess here are some other things I’m thankful for today:

  • Not having to  put on pants. score
  • No  pestering questions and political fights
  • I can watch tv and eat..whhaaat
  • Silence ( minus my own bitching)
  • The cat.. oh wait, I mean the boyfriend, yep the boyfriend
  • The cat =)
  • Semi-cleaning(one of us mentioned it had to be cleaned and if any thing its worse)
  • Smoking – yeah totally gave it a shout out.
  • And duh, myself.

Hope everyone is looking forward to their thanksgiving, if not you’re here with me in the awesome ” No Family Allowed” zone.

Gotta go put that turkey in the oven!


Legends of Tomorrow-Trailer



I’m a huuuuuge Arrow and Flash fan, well anything DC really.

When I initially heard about this new project , it captured my interest but I  was still a little, teenie bit hesitant. Don’t get me wrong I have faith in the creators and writers and even the CW(c’mon have you seen the flash and arrow??)

But this, oh mann, soo sweet.

My inner geeky fangirl is coming out full force. Hawkgirl. Fucking Hawkgirl. The Atom. Ok, ok I wont name them all but still. This trailer hyped me up so much.

I cant wait to see all the different personalities on the screen, the action, and muthafuckin Vandal Savage.



Interracial Relationships Suck…


And only when the family in question does not fully respect you because of your different background.

I am not speaking for everyone who is in an interracial relationship nor am I saying anything negative , per say, about being in one. I am; however, talking about my personal experience of being in one and why sometimes, not because of my boyfriend(entirely), it can suck.

I’ve been in this relationship for a decade; I love my partner, but sometimes his family, views and culture get in the way and makes thing extremely complicated.  I’m not going to point fingers at a certain culture but I will say he is of European descent, while I am Hispanic.

Now, before I dig myself in a bigger hole, I want to state for the record, i would never, NEVER,judge someone for their beliefs, culture, or anything that makes them, them. With that being said, I do judge and mind when people try to push said beliefs onto me.

Lex(bf) and I may have grown up in the same area, but how we were raised is completely different. Unlike him, I am not family oriented, despite how hard they make me. I don’t even count myself as Hispanic, I’m America,plain and simple.  Lex may not be as family oriented as his family would like him to be but he is way more than me; He considers himself more American too, but his values are more centered than mine.

In his family male and female duties have a strict line, yes the woman is allowed to work but there are standards. You must clean, cook, entertain, etc. Uhm shouldn’t everyone? Why is the woman left to do that.

“Sweetheart, If you’re gonna marry into this family you better learn how to cook,clean and speak some of the language.” 

Oh the amount of times I’ve heard that come from his mothers mouth.

“Thats just what us women do.”

I don’t have the heart to tell her I’m stealing her son away and never coming back.  I’m not going to digress further about his mother, thats for another post. The point is because I’m of a different culture I’m inferior in her eyes. Shes the nicest woman you’ll meet, don’t get me wrong,but she does have a tendency to say mean things disguised as niceness. Not quite sure if those are compliments or jabs.

I’m sorry I’m not good enough for you, but honestly I’m not even a “woman”. (again not here, for another post)

I was mistaken for the maid once when answering the door for a relative or something. Seriously dude? How original. Stop watching movies. Not all Spanish people clean houses asshole. It was one of the most awkward and offending times of my life, and I don’t even let things bother me most of the time.

The most offending time- I believe someone died in his family and traditionally people come over and they mourn and sit and drink. I was told not to be seen so I wouldn’t offend people; I was pretty much hidden away. That was the moment I knew there would be clashes in the future, that no way would I ever allow that to happen to someone and that his culture and stupid traditions sucked balls.

His father didn’t even speak to me for …hm, 8 years and I lived with them and still do. Oh god he HATED me, fortunately it has been downgraded to disdain, kidding, dislike. We, kind of talk, its more him yelling at me to yell at his son to do something. Or him mumbling a hello while he shuffles by. No one likes him, not even his family, so I’m not so upset with him hating me because secretly I like him. I get him.

Would he ever stick up for me like I do him sometimes, definitely not, but I get where he is coming from. Hes old school, different way of living. That’s fine, even though hes shitty,I can’t change his mind, so I’ll kill him..with kindness.

They think that I’m going to become this ideal person, that is just going to conform and become a fucking stepford wife. It’s never, ever,ever going to happen. I’m all about equality, luckily Lex is on my page and doesn’t push me. Honestly, the only thing that is helping us, okay well one of two things is his older brother went against tradition; married, divorce and married again to two woman who aren’t of his nationality.

I say I’m going to make new traditions and my own culture, bitch.

I’m a rebel at heart who doesn’t like to be told how to act.

Even though I totally ranted and criticized his family and traditions I understand them, just doesn’t mean I have to like them.




Word Of the Day-Cacoethes



I love words. I know that sounds cliche and a little weird but its true.

So I decided, for now, a word a day; until I run out of cool words ,then it will be changed lol.

I chose this word to start off with because this embodies me so well. Oh i shouldn’t be doing that? Ok, I will.

If you want me to not do something tell me I can. Nothing turns me off more than having someone tell me what I can do. No shit I can do that I am an adult and my own person.

I don’t like following people. And I definitely do not like following orders, rules I can obey depending on them but orders, meh.

If anything, tricks need to be used to get me to do something or not do something. And even then, it is only happening because I want it that way. I never do anything without a reason, purpose or desire. Which in most cases leads me into trouble.

Like the boyfriend says ” you never listen”

I don’t.

I just really enjoy doing things people tell me not to do and being a pain in the ass.

Fuck the consequences.






Snowy Saturday and Birthday Cake

Well its cold and snowy here today,which surprisingly I dont mind. I actually love the snow and was beginning to wonder where the hell it was.

Today is also my boyfriends birthday. The big 26. Do people say that? Lol they should. 26 is such an awkward number,technically it shouldn’t even matter. There are the big birthdays we can look forward to but 26…meh.

I wrote a couple of days ago about my gifts…things didnt work out as planned.

I was able to make him coupons,26 plus 1 for good luck that turned into 3 for good luck haha, what a lucky man!


You can see that they range from breakfast making to some sexual favors.

“Oh, i see you put all the good ones at the bottom”, he said coyly.

“Well,I was hoping that you would get tired of looking through them and give up,never having to look at them again.” I laughed.

“Soo,do i like have to tell you in advance or can it be the same day” while he split the cards up,by importance,of course.

” Theres an expiration date bitch so dont get to carried away”

Ah yes, I saw the wheels turning in his head, the smirk,almost maniacally as he meticulously studied the coupons.

What the fuck did I get myself into?

Confession: I’m  a little excited for some of them.

I told him about the scavenger hunt that was no longer, but he was completely unfazed. Why would he be, when he has f’n coupons.

The contractor for the new door came at 9 A.M (not We literally had a curtain in place for a door.


And now..


A DOOR! Our very own door, with a lock and key! We had that stupid curtain for,oh, I dont know 3 months. Ugh,can’t say I’ll miss it.

Unfortunately, during this process, the contractor, his wife and the mother in law were down here in my way. I dont like people in my space or interrupting  my me time.  But i understood,I made the sacrifice(Hid in my room),but still.

It took longer than I anticipated. Well between smoke breaks and gossip they were finally gone by 12 30. Then I had to rush to cut,bread and freeze mozzarella for mozzarella  sticks. Then wash dishes and put them away (I usually just like to wash, the hubby can put them away). Cut and prepare the ingredients  for pepper steak. Make and decorate cake.

And during this process, while my anxiety is high as shit, our cat, who DOES NOT like the new door, keeps meowing to go in and out,in and fucking out. Then she wants some loving,fine everyone needs loving.

A nice moment turned to shit when her fucking talons got stuck on my sock;a mexican standoff took place,literally one wrong move and you’re done.


But  unlike the cat who has nothing to do I had
to get out of there, so despite the menacing glare and the low beginnings of a hiss i slipped out of my sock. I should have just left it,lost forever to the devil, there are better socks somewhere. But nooo J couldn’t leave the sock behind, its mine. So foolishly and confidently I went in to take back what was mine.


Uhm, I got my sock back though. Was it worth it? Definitely fucking not! Does my hand hurt? Hell fuckings yes.

I hate you cat. I dont really mean it but at the moment i do since you are being  needy and mean because you dont like the new door. Well stick it cat!

The cake and cupcakes came out good as did the pepper steak. It wasnt till we were done eating that we both remember that mozzarella sticks are in the freezer. Not a surprise.. it wouldn’t be a dinner made by me if i didnt forget something.

All in all it was a good dinner or like the boyfriend likes to say a late lunch.

I only had to open the door for like cat 143 times and deal with her grilling me.

Now, we can relax (minus the cat,we’re not on speaking terms),maybe use some coupons and have a relaxing Saturday.

Hope everyone is enjoying their weekend!


P.S heres a picture of the cake .. lets just say i like things different.